


Oh Darkness I Feel Like Letting Go

by celeste9



Series: The Darkness Here Is Me [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Father-Son Relationship, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Meeting the Parents, Multi, Nightmares, Recovery, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 11:15:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6608599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey knew that bringing Poe back to the Resistance after so long in the grip of Kylo Ren and the First Order would only be the first step. As time passes, however, her sense of powerlessness and frustration only grows. She doesn’t know how to help Poe. No one does.</p><p>And no one is at more of a loss than Poe himself.</p><p>(A story about loss and recovery and the challenges of moving forward.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to [I Was in the Darkness so Darkness I Became](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6058573), and I highly recommend you read that first. This story is complete but I am posting it in two parts because of length and content. Barring an RL catastrophe, Part 2 should go up on Friday. Thank you to deinonychus_1 for beta-reading, I'm not sure she realized what she was volunteering for! *g* Title from Sarah McLachlan.
> 
> Warning: depression, aftermath of trauma/brainwashing, brief reference to suicide/suicidal thoughts (for clarification, Poe is never suicidal in this fic but there is a scene which nevertheless may be uncomfortable for some readers, and I am happy to give out further details if asked)

Poe hasn’t slept a night through since… well, since before. His heart is pounding and he can’t catch his breath and for a moment he can’t remember where he is, but then he focuses on the face filling his vision.

“It’s okay, Poe, it’s okay,” Rey is saying, stroking Poe’s hair back from his forehead. “We’re here, you’re here with us. It wasn’t real.”

Except it had been real, once. That’s the entire problem.

Finn’s face appears beside Rey’s, blinking his eyes sleepily. “We’re here for you, Poe,” he says, like always.

“Yeah,” Poe says, steadying his breathing. “Yeah. I’m just… I’m going to get some air.”

He slides out from the bed and gets dressed. Though Rey and Finn are still watching him with concern, they don’t protest or try to stop him.

They don’t follow him, either.

It’s really too cold on this planet to be outside at night but the chill helps him, somehow. No one ever tries to stop him leaving.

No one ever tries to stop him from doing anything. They step around him gingerly, like they’re afraid. Maybe they’re worried he’ll snap and hurt someone.

He’s killed some of them already, after all.

Poe has yet to be cleared for flight duty or even for off-world missions. He is well and truly grounded. He thinks it would be easier, if he could fly. If he could do something to make himself feel as though he were at least attempting to make up for what he’s done, attempting to level the scales. He knows he will never be able to, but it would help.

He knows why they haven’t cleared him, though. He understands. Kylo Ren was in his head. They have only Rey’s assurance that he isn’t still lurking there.

Even Luke had seemed wary. He had accepted Rey’s verdict but he’d told Leia that what had been done to Poe was difficult to shake. Ultimately no one could fix Poe but Poe himself.

Poe is trying. Until he can trust himself, he knows, the Resistance will be unable to trust him in turn.

It might be easier if Poe could fly, but it’s probably best that he doesn’t. 

He doesn’t trust himself.

Poe trusts Rey. When she told him that the only one in his head was himself, Poe believed she was telling him the truth. The problem is that Poe can still _feel_ Kylo Ren there. Sometimes he still catches himself thinking, _I am yours to command,_ catches himself wanting to please, wanting to do what he’s been told, wanting – 

That isn’t him anymore. It was never him; it was the shade Kylo Ren made him into. But that shade still exists somewhere within Poe and he is afraid of letting it out.

The cold cuts against Poe’s face as he walks and he tugs his hood farther down to block out the wind. He keeps walking because it’s too cold to stop.

He thinks of the old base on D’Qar and all the nights he sat outside beneath the stars. He remembers stumbling on Adan Hunter once, kissing a technician by moonlight. Adan is gone now, because of Poe. He won’t be kissing any more technicians.

When Poe had first come back, with Finn and Rey, he’d searched the corridors, the hangar, the mess hall, looking for all the missing faces. Then he had asked which ones were his fault.

Finn had paled and kept his mouth closed, refusing to answer. He had thought it would hurt Poe, make it worse for him to know.

But not Rey. Rey had told him. Rey understands; Poe thinks maybe she’s always understood him better.

Afterwards Poe had heaved over the trash in his quarters, barely anything in his stomach to expel, but his body had kept roiling through the motions anyway. For two days after he had been unable to eat anything at all until finally Finn and Rey forced him to get something down his throat.

Recurring nausea means that he still keeps little down, and his appetite is small, but he’s good at making it look like he’s eating more than he actually is. It keeps Finn and Rey from worrying more than they already do.

His fingers stop tingling so much, transitioning into numb, so Poe goes back inside. The sudden blast of warm air hits him with almost too much force and he pushes his hood back, rubbing his hands together. 

An insistent chirping from down near the ground makes him turn. “Hey, buddy.”

BB-8 inquires after him and Poe just says, kneeling down, “I’m all right. Needed some air, that’s all.” He listens and then adds, “I know. I’ll go back soon.”

Hesitating, the droid rolls forward and then back a little, almost like he’s thinking about nudging Poe back towards his quarters. 

“I’ll go,” Poe says, giving in, and walks back down the corridors to his room, to where Finn and Rey are waiting in their bed, both of them likely as awake as he is.

Poe doesn’t sleep so well anymore. Neither do his partners.

-

Poe has been different since he came back.

Logically, Rey knows that was only to be expected. After what had been done to him… Rey shudders when she thinks of it. She has to swallow her rage whenever the thought of Kylo Ren so much as flits through her head. He killed Han. He went from nearly killing Finn to trying to destroy Poe. She won’t forget.

Rey misses the person Poe used to be, friendly and open and trusting, confident and comfortable in his own skin. She knows that’s selfish and she hates herself for it. But it’s true.

She still loves Poe. She will never stop loving him. But she misses him.

It was easier, before. Poe had always been so quick to smile and to laugh, but now he feels fragile, like every moment he is only one wrong step away from shattering into pieces. The worst part is that if he does, Rey doesn’t know if he can be fixed.

She doesn’t know if she can fix him.

That doesn’t… that doesn’t feel right. She doesn’t like feeling that there’s something wrong with Poe, that he’s broken, that he needs to be fixed. That he needs to change. 

He’s still Poe. He’s quieter and more withdrawn, but he’s still Poe.

Rey only wishes that she knew how to help him see that.

She wishes she knew how to make him happy.

Poe doesn’t like being in large groups of people. He stays on the fringes; he avoids attention; he eats at odd times when the mess hall is emptier. He often runs out of rooms, looking ill, and Rey has come upon him hiding, sweaty and shaky, looking even worse than he does after a nightmare.

The doctors can’t help him. Poe refuses to take anything and he won’t talk to them.

Poe never talks about what happened to him, not to anyone. Rey saw… enough, in his head, to understand. It still makes her feel like crying, sometimes, or throwing up. Or stabbing Kylo Ren through the chest. (Mostly that last one.) Out of respect for Poe she has never said anything to Finn. She knows that if Poe were comfortable with Finn knowing, he would tell him himself. 

He is ashamed, she thinks. 

She also thinks that maybe it would have been better if Finn were the one who knew and not her. Finn is… he’s better at this, he’s more open, and maybe he would be able to talk to Poe, to know the right thing to say.

Rey doesn’t. She doesn’t know what to say to him. So she stays quiet, and Poe stays quiet, and nothing changes.

She doesn’t know if talking would help but nothing else ever does.

They leave him alone sometimes. General Organa doesn’t always send Finn and Rey on missions together but she does often enough. In truth Rey doesn’t even know if Poe minds. Maybe he appreciates the solitude. Maybe their presence does nothing for him.

Rey simply doesn’t know.

-

Poe touches himself perfunctorily, without much enjoyment, like scratching an itch. Because it needs to be done. He breathes through his release and wipes his hand off. He rests his forehead against the cool surface of the ‘fresher wall and stays there. 

He doesn’t sleep with Rey and Finn very often, anymore. It’s… easier to deal with it himself, when he needs to. The pressure, the need, builds and builds, and he imagines his lips on the jut of Rey’s hip, the ripple of muscle in Finn’s shoulders and back as he moves, and it’s enough.

He looks at Rey and Finn sometimes and thinks that he doesn’t deserve them, that he shouldn’t foul them with his touch. Maybe that’s stupid, and he knows what they would say to him if they knew.

Nevertheless. That’s what he thinks, sometimes, when he watches them. When he looks at their heads on the pillow beside his, expressions soft and peaceful.

He assumes that Finn and Rey must make do without him, from time to time. They must have gotten used to doing so, after all. Poe doesn’t mind. He tells himself he doesn’t mind. He doesn’t have the right to, not when he knows it’s him who is the problem.

The first time… the first time he was with them, since he came back, he had actually cried. The surge of emotion had proven too much and he’d… And Rey and Finn had been kind, because they always are, but it had been humiliating enough to keep Poe from trying again for a long while, until he’d just… _needed_ to, needed them. 

It frightens him, how much he needs them. 

He remembers being alone.

So he mostly takes care of it himself. 

He walks out of the ‘fresher and goes into the hangar. Karé is there, working on the hyperdrive of her ship, her R4 by her side. She’d been having some issues with it on her last trip out. Poe nods at her as he passes and finds BB-8, heading to his own X-wing.

Poe spends a lot of time with his T-70. There isn’t anything to fix, but Poe is using the opportunity to make some modifications he had been wanting to for ages. He cleans the outside of it, rubbing at all the scorch marks and touching up the paint. He dismantles the engine and reassembles it piece by piece, simply because it centers him.

She’s only been flown once since Poe left, when they evacuated the base. Poe had been surprised to learn that. She’s easily the best starfighter in the fleet and the Resistance’s resources are limited.

“We were keeping her for you,” Rey had said.

Sentiment. How… stupid. That couldn’t have been all, could it? They had all believed him to be dead. Only Rey had convinced herself otherwise. So then, why?

And then Rey had admitted, “No one wanted to sit in your seat. And no one wanted to see someone else sitting in it.” 

Ah. Still sentimental, but Poe could see… He could see why. He thought maybe they had all done it for Finn and Rey, out of respect for their loss. No doubt need would have eventually put an end to it but that didn’t matter anymore.

Now Poe is back. He can’t fly yet, but he will.

In the meantime, he tells Rey she should continue to bring BB-8 with her on flights.

She blinks wide eyes at him. “But--”

“I trust Beebee-Ate with my life,” he says. “I trust him with yours. You guys work well together. Why change that?”

Still she hesitates.

“He belongs in a ship, Rey. Just keep him occupied for me, okay? Until…” Now it’s Poe’s turn to hesitate.

“Until you need him again,” Rey says, her eyes soft and gentle.

Poe nods weakly. “Until then.”

-

The remotes fire at her, faster and faster, darting around Rey’s head and coming at her from all angles. She twists and spins, lightsaber whirling to block the laser blasts. It isn’t enough; she wants to _hit_ something, to fight something that will fight back, but this is all she has.

“End program.”

The remotes come to an abrupt stop, moving away from her, and Rey twirls around to glare at Luke, shutting off her lightsaber. “I wasn’t finished.”

“This isn’t achieving anything.”

“I was training.”

“You were feeding off your anger and aggression.”

Rey rolls her eyes. “And that leads to the Dark Side?”

“You know it does.”

She knows she probably shouldn’t say anything but Rey can’t help herself. “Why shouldn’t I be angry? My boyfriend was captured by the First Order, left for dead, tortured, made to… My boyfriend thinks he’s a monster and nothing I do ever makes a difference.”

Though Luke is looking at her with sympathy he says, “Your anger towards Kylo Ren--”

“Kylo Ren is a monster! He’s the monster, not Poe. I need to be stronger so when I meet him again I can…”

“Kill him?”

Rey raises her chin and meets Luke’s gaze with a challenge. “Why shouldn’t I kill him? He deserves it.”

“Perhaps,” Luke concedes, “but this isn’t the way. Focusing on your anger goes against everything I’ve been trying to teach you. Sometimes violence is necessary but it should never be your aim. This is vengeance. Vengeance is never the way.”

“You tell that to Poe, then, when he wakes up screaming, or when he hides in his room so no one can see him having a panic attack, or when…” Rey stops, breathes. “You tell him that the monster who did that to him gets to go free because my anger is wrong.”

When she starts to leave, Luke stops her with a hand on her arm. “Your anger isn’t wrong, Rey. No emotion is wrong. Your emotions are true and they make you who you are. Clinging to your anger and allowing it to control you-- that’s what is wrong.”

Rey’s immediate reaction is a surge of, yes, anger. She is controlled by nothing and no one. But in her heart she knows Luke is right. She has been holding onto her rage at what happened to Poe and using it to fuel her, to keep her going, because it’s something she can _see,_ it’s a future she can see. She can’t quite see the future where she’s happy, where Poe is happy, but she can see the future where she stabs Kylo Ren through the heart.

It’s the one thing she actually believes might make a difference.

“I need it,” Rey says, and quells the urge to simply fall apart. “I need it; it’s the only thing that keeps me… Otherwise I feel…”

“Powerless,” Luke says, and it isn’t a question.

Rey bows her head. “Is that something you can teach, Master Luke? How not to feel so utterly useless?”

The press of Luke’s hand on her arm is gentle and grounding. “You know I would if I could, but I think this is something you need to work out for yourself. All of you, you and Poe and Finn.”

“Yeah,” Rey says. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

-

“Any more questions?” Poe asks the small group of new recruits standing before him. They just stare at him so Poe brings his hands together and says, “Okay, then, go get something to eat. Everyone knows where the mess hall is?”

They disperse so Poe assumes the answer is yes. As they leave, he notices that Leia had snuck into the background, her small frame hidden by the pilots. She walks towards him.

“I used to be better at this,” Poe tells her.

“You did fine.” Leia’s mouth quirks. “If you maybe flirted and smiled a bit less than usual, that’s not a bad thing. We might get some more work done around here with not quite so many lovesick new recruits.”

Poe rolls his eyes. “Not you, too, General. The reports of my… appeal are, as ever, greatly exaggerated.” A couple of kids get crushes and suddenly you’re the running joke of the Resistance.

“The fact that you actually believe that is adorable. And probably half the reason it’s all true.”

Though he can tell that Leia is mostly teasing, Poe can’t help but say, “Maybe it used to be. I’m not so sure anyone’s dreaming of shacking up with Kylo Ren’s pet project.”

Leia frowns a little, a line creasing between her eyebrows. Poe knows what she must be thinking, that it’s disappointing to see him feeling so sorry for himself, but she only says, “Have lunch with me, will you?”

“Okay,” Poe says, because what else can he say?

They get their plates and sit together at a table in the back of the mess hall. Leia looks at him from across the table and says, “How are you, Poe?”

“That’s a loaded question.”

“To which I’d like an honest answer.”

Poe pushes his food around with a fork. “Managing. I’m managing.”

“I’m worried about you.”

Startled, Poe meets Leia’s gaze. “You don’t have to be.”

She shrugs. “We don’t have to be anything. Sometimes we just are.”

“I don’t want-- I don’t need all this hovering,” Poe says, struggling to find the words. “I wish everyone would treat me like they used to, not like they think I might snap in half.” He knows his friends mean well. He still wishes they would remember he is their friend and not their child.

“It’s hard to find a balance, when you’re concerned about someone you care for.”

The implication of Leia’s words isn’t lost on Poe. “Rey told me what you did, that you got them the shuttle they used to find me.”

“I suppose she’ll also have told you that I was the one who refused to look for you.” Leia reconsiders. “No, that will have been Finn. I’m sure he told you.”

He had, actually, with a quiet fury time had yet to calm. “Finn isn’t like us. He doesn’t understand what’s necessary.” For Finn, nothing was more important than loyalty and devotion. Nothing was more important than the ones he loved, the ones he held close. He doesn’t understand that Poe’s loyalty stretches further than that, to an ideal he needs to uphold. It’s a trait that Poe knows he shares with Leia, perhaps the very thing that pulls them towards each other.

“He doesn’t know that this wasn’t the first time I intentionally left you in the hands of Kylo Ren.” Leia clearly already knows her statement is a fact and not a question but Poe confirms it anyway.

“No.”

“Poe--”

“No,” Poe says, afraid of what she’ll say. “I knew what I was signing up for. Don’t ever feel sorry for making the choices you have to. Your decisions affect the entire galaxy, all of us.”

“I don’t know if I should be impressed by your faith and your sense of sacrifice or horrified at your lack of concern for yourself.”

“I’m concerned, believe me, I’m concerned. It’s just that… some things are more important.”

“You still believe that? After everything?”

“I have to.”

Poe needs to believe in something.

He sure as hell doesn’t believe in himself anymore.

-

Rey is stretched up to reach the wing of her ship, cables drooping out of the open hull plate. She bites her lip as she concentrates.

“That doesn’t look good,” Jess says, and Rey looks over to see her.

“Power couplings are frayed,” Rey says, and steps back from the ship. She wipes her greasy hands on her pants.

“You don’t want a droid to work on this for you? The wiring’s going to be a pain in the ass to do by hand.”

Rey shrugs. “I’m used to fixing things myself. Besides, it… makes me feel better if I know I’ve handled it myself.”

Jess smiles at her. “You sound like someone else I know.”

Rey doesn’t quite manage a smile back.

Jess’ smile fades into concern. “How are you holding up?”

“Oh, you know. Poe’s still having nightmares; he barely sleeps. And I know he thinks he’s fooling us but I know he hardly eats. He’s so thin. Have you noticed?”

Jess moves closer, her gaze intent. “I’m not asking about Poe. I’m asking about _you_.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you, Rey. I know you’re running yourself ragged, trying to take care of Poe, training with Luke, running missions for the Resistance.”

Rey doesn’t know why that makes her feel so flustered. She does what she’s asked to, that’s all. She’s trying her best. “I’m just trying to help.”

“I know, and we appreciate it, believe me. I just worry that you’re going to make yourself sick. Or crazy.” Jess pauses. “Or both.”

“I’m managing. It’s not me you should worry about.”

“Poe has everyone worrying about him, and he’s got you and Finn, and all of us. But who is taking care of you, Rey?”

“I don’t need anyone to--”

“I’m not trying to…” Jess sweeps a hand over her hair. “Look, I know you love Poe and you want to help him. I’m not telling you you shouldn’t, believe me, I’m not. But you can’t… He isn’t a child, Rey. He can stand on his own two feet, even if he’s a bit shakier than he used to be. Don’t be so concerned with carrying him that you forget about yourself, and about what you need.”

“I don’t need anything but for him to be okay,” Rey says, suddenly angry. She can’t explain it and she knows Jess is only trying to help. She should be grateful, or touched, or something. But she is only angry.

She is angry so often now.

“He might never be the same. You know that, don’t you?”

“That doesn’t matter. I’m not the same as I was; none of us stay the same forever. I just want… I want him to be okay,” Rey finishes helplessly.

“We all want that,” Jess says, “but one thing I know is that he never will be if you aren’t. Please promise me you’ll think about yourself every once in a while, okay? Please promise me you’ll ask for help when you need it.”

“I promise,” Rey says, more as an appeasement than because she actually means it. She thinks Jess knows that, too.

Regardless, Jess says, “Okay. Can we start by you letting me help you with your fighter?”

“We can.” Rey means that, at least, and accepts Jess’ offer with gratitude.

-

Most of the time, Poe is fine. Or, not fine, exactly, but he’s functioning. He gets through. Sometimes, though, sometimes he’s really not fine.

BB-8 is trundling after him, on the way to his regular diagnostics check. The droid is burbling cheerfully, like he wants to fill the silence. Poe murmurs something every once in a while to show he’s listening. 

It’s busy when they arrive, droids and pilots and techs mingling about. There’s an R4 unit getting checked over, and Jess and Snap are eyeing it, talking.

Snap’s saying, “Did a memory wipe, poor thing just hasn’t been the same since--”

They notice him, then, and Snap stops talking.

Poe knows what he had been going to say. That astromech had belonged to Kodai Fel. Poe had chased him into an asteroid field and only Poe had come back out. Poe had found out later the droid had been back on base. He wonders sometimes if that might have made a difference.

Jess looks stricken. “Poe--”

“Will you make sure Beebee-Ate gets his diagnostics done, Jess?” Poe interrupts. “I need to… I need to go,” he says, and all but runs out.

He feels scummy for abandoning his droid but he barely makes it into the refresher before he throws up the contents of his stomach all over the floor. He sits there on his hands and knees, spitting up bile. 

Sinking back onto his heels, Poe wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. The door opens and he looks towards it.

There’s a mechanic standing there, gaping at him. Young kid, joined after the Starkiller Base. “Sorry,” he says, and backs out of the room.

Poe almost wants to laugh. What a sight he must be, Commander Poe Dameron vomiting on the ‘fresher floor. It would be funny if it weren’t so sad.

He cleans up his mess and moves to the sink. _My name is Poe,_ he thinks as he looks at his reflection, abnormally pale skin and hollow eyes looking back at him. He tells himself that whenever he sees his own face in a mirror, so that he won’t forget. He is terrified of forgetting.

_Tell me what you want, tell me what to do, I want to please -_

Someone’s left a glass and Poe helps himself to it so that he can rinse the taste out of his mouth. His fingers slip, though, and the glass cracks against the counter, shards breaking off and a jagged edge cutting his wrist. “Damn it,” he mutters, touching his fingertips to his sliced skin. It isn’t too bad, but the blood is seeping out.

The blood is…

The blood…

He stares at the droplets of blood that leak from his broken skin. He watches the drip, drip, drip as they fall onto the counter. There is something mesmerizing about it and he can’t stop looking.

Someone is speaking to him, he thinks, but he watches the blood and tries to remember if it was always this red. The red, the… it’s so… 

Then someone’s grabbing his wrist and wrapping a cloth around it, a towel, maybe, and squeezing. 

“Poe! Poe, damn it, what are you doing?”

Poe looks up into Finn’s terrified face. He blinks, focuses. “Finn?”

“Fuck, Poe,” Finn says, and his grip around Poe’s arm tightens. “What were you thinking? You can’t-- you can’t-- blast.”

“I wasn’t doing anything,” Poe says. He doesn’t understand why Finn is so frightened and then – then he does. “It was an accident. Finn, it was an accident.”

Finn exhales shakily and then he’s pulling Poe towards him, engulfing him in a hug that nearly knocks the breath out of him. “Please don’t do that. Don’t ever do that. Poe, please. Don’t… Don’t leave us. Don’t leave me.”

“I won’t,” Poe says. He’s begun to register the pain in his arm now and Finn is still gripping it tightly enough to cut off his circulation, but Poe supposes that was probably his intention. “I’m sorry, Finn, I didn’t mean to scare you. It was just an accident.”

“Okay,” Finn says, “okay,” and he’s hiding his face in Poe’s neck.

“I don’t think that little cut would’ve done much, to be honest,” Poe says, but Finn doesn’t laugh.

“Don’t do that,” he says, and Poe lets Finn hold him.

-

Rey has never feared that Poe would hurt himself. Well, maybe… maybe when they first found him, those first few terrible nights, but not since she and Finn brought him home. She knows he would never hurt himself.

But when Finn tells her how the mechanic came to him and said Poe was sick in the ‘fresher, how he found him there with his wrist cut, bleeding onto the counter, she understands Finn’s panic.

“I was so afraid, I…” Finn raises his hand to his forehead, pushes his fingers over his brow, rubbing. “He said he wouldn’t… But I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what he’ll do.”

That’s the problem, Rey thinks. None of them do.

“Why aren’t we helping him?” Finn asks, filled with frustration and self-recrimination and helplessness. “Why doesn’t anything we do help? Why isn’t he getting any better?”

“I don’t know,” Rey says because she doesn’t know what else she can say and she doesn’t want to lie, not even to make Finn feel better. She wishes she had the answer, stars, she wishes she did. 

Finn lies with his head in Rey’s lap and she strokes his hair, offering what peace and comfort she can. He seems to settle and Rey thinks maybe she’s helping. At least she can help someone.

She thinks of Jessika Pava asking who is taking care of her and wonders if maybe she does need something, after all.

Rey spends hours the next day in meditation. She isn’t as good at it as Luke would like her to be; she has too much difficulty letting go, clearing her mind, embracing the absence of it all. Embracing a communion with the Force rather than dwelling on herself and the ones she cares about. There is too much worry clouding her mind.

Too much anger.

It helps somewhat, though, and when she has finished an idea occurs to her.

She finds Luke. “Is there something I could do to help Poe? With the Force?”

He frowns at her. “What are you suggesting?”

“Perhaps I could… enter his mind, and…” Rey stops, biting her lip. It sounds terrible when she says it aloud and she doesn’t know what she was thinking. After everything, someone in his head is the last thing Poe would want.

Luke seems to understand what she wants, though. “You could offer to teach him to meditate. He doesn’t need to be a Jedi to do that.”

“Do you think that would help?”

“I think he might find the respite from his thoughts and his emotions… freeing.”

“Thank you,” Rey says and rushes out. 

She doesn’t know if it will help; she doesn’t even know if Poe will agree. Nevertheless it’s the most solid idea she’s had in ages and she wants to find Poe right now.

Rey ends up dragging Poe away from Karé and Iolo, literally tugging him by the hand. Through her peripheral vision she can see the other two pilots laughing at them while Poe just seems bemused. Flustered, Rey stops, though she doesn’t let go of Poe’s hand. 

“Sorry,” she says, “sorry, I just… Do you want to learn to meditate?”

Poe’s forehead crinkles, his eyebrows drawing together. “What?”

“Luke thought it might help. I thought it might help.”

Comprehension seems to dawn on Poe. He rubs his thumb over Rey’s hand. “I’m willing to try most things.”

Rey smiles at him. “Good.”

-

The meditation doesn’t really do much. Poe is awful at it. He sits quietly with Rey and closes his eyes, listens to her soothing voice, concentrates on her presence, the way he can sense her even when he can’t see her. He matches his breathing to the even pace of hers.

He closes his eyes and the darkness frightens him, makes his blood rush and his pulse beat harder. He tries to empty his mind but he’s _there,_ he’s on that ship, and he’s alone, but he’s not alone, because _he’s_ there, Ren, and then he’s panting, trying to catch his breath, and Rey is leaning forward, her hands on his shoulders and her eyes filled with concern.

It isn’t always that bad. But it never does what it’s meant to. Poe keeps trying, even when he doesn’t want to, even after the times it’s bad, because he doesn’t want to disappoint Rey. Sweet, bright Rey, who is trying so hard.

Poe is trying, too. He’s not sure anyone can tell, but he is. 

The last cockpit he sat in was in a TIE fighter but Poe is trying to help, in whatever ways he feels he still can. He is trying to contribute.

“That’s in Hutt space,” Poe says to Leia, speaking to her in the command center, trade routes illuminated on the console. 

“I’m aware.”

“You should send Snap,” Poe says, swallowing, looking briefly towards the pilot in question where he’s standing across the room in conversation with Statura. “He’s good at this sort of thing. Anyone you send will have to--”

He stops abruptly at an all-too familiar warning clang. “General,” one of the techs says, eyes widening at the data projected in front of her. “Unidentified fighters approaching. They’re ignoring our hail.”

The room becomes a bustle of activity and for a second Poe itches to run outside, to jump into his cockpit, to -

Leia looks towards him, a question in her eyes. She’ll clear him, she will, she’ll let him fly again.

_The X-wing locks into place on his targeting computer and he fires. The ship explodes._

Poe gives a small shake of his head.

“Blue Squad, Red Squad, to your ships!” Leia barks. “Captain Wexley, you have the command.”

“Yes, General,” Snap says, and rushes out of the command center.

Poe sets his hands on the central console and leans there, head bowed. _Kriff, kriff, kriff._

Finn slips inside, in the midst of the chaos, joins Poe where he can hear the transmissions from the fighters. Rey will be out there. Rey will be doing her duty.

Finn slides his hand into Poe’s and they stand there together, waiting.

When it’s over, when Rey comes back, she embraces them both. She doesn’t say, _could’ve used you out there, Poe._ She doesn’t say, _where the frag were you?_ She doesn’t say, _what use is the best pilot in the galaxy if he won’t get in a kriffing ship?_

But Poe feels it. 

-

Rey wakes up because Poe is whimpering in his sleep. He kicks out at Finn, who jerks awake, half out of the bed already as if he thinks he’s being attacked. He relaxes a little when he realizes what’s happening.

It has become a routine, Poe having nightmares. That thread of knowledge is as bad as anything, Rey thinks. His nightmares are just a routine.

“Poe,” Rey says, and holds his shoulders. “Poe, Poe, wake up, it’s a nightmare.”

When Poe’s eyes open they’re wide and scared and his breathing is quick and shallow. There are tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes. He clenches his hands into the thin material of Rey’s shirt. “Rey,” he says.

“I’m here,” she says. “So is Finn.”

Finn kneels beside them, rubbing his knuckles over Poe’s skin. “We’re both here, Poe.”

“I was alone,” Poe says, and his voice makes Rey feel like her heart is breaking.

“You aren’t alone,” she says, and presses kisses to Poe’s clammy skin. “You aren’t alone. You’re never alone.”

Poe clutches her and he says, “Please, please.”

“Yes,” Rey says, and she lets Poe have whatever he wants. She would do it no matter what, just for him, but as he moves against her she thinks, _yes, yes,_ because she _misses_ him. She misses him, she misses this, the feel of his body against hers that has become so rare. Rey has Finn, she always has Finn, but it isn’t the same without Poe. It isn’t the same without the graze of his blunt nails on her skin, the wet warmth of his mouth, the heavy panting of his exhales. 

It isn’t the same now, either, but he’s here with her, with her and Finn, and that’s more than they usually have. Poe moves in her while Finn pets his hair, whispering in his ear. When he finishes he lies there with his head against Rey’s breast, and she strokes his hair while Finn settles beside them, rubbing circles on Poe’s back.

Then the inevitable let-down sinks in, the knowledge that Rey has no idea if it helped, if it made a difference, if she did the right thing. She turns her face towards Finn’s, next to her on the pillow, and thinks his helpless expression must match hers.

-

“Blast,” Poe says and resists the urge to throw his datapad across the room. He is trying to compose letters to the families of the pilots he killed but everything he writes seems wrong. He’s started over four times and all that remains is _Dear Mr. and Mrs. Nezuma,_ the letters standing stark on an otherwise blank screen.

“Poe?”

It’s Karé. Poe doesn’t need to look to know it’s her.

“Are you okay? What are you doing?”

Wordlessly, Poe shows her the datapad.

She gets this sort of pinched expression. “Oh, Poe.” She sits down beside him, absently beginning to rub the back of his neck. “General Organa already sent out letters. She wrote them all herself; you know she always does.”

“I know, but… Karé, it was _me._ It’s my fault they’re gone.” _Dead. My fault they’re dead._ Why can’t he say it?

“You can’t blame yourself--”

“Then who can I blame?” Poe says, furious. “Dia was barely older than Rey, she was… She was sweet and cheerful and I shot her down. She had a girl, you know, back on her homeworld, a girl she loved, she used to tell me about her, and I…” Poe scrubs his hands over his face.

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Poe,” Karé says softly. “And this, these letters, I don’t think this will help you or them. It’s not a good idea.”

Poe knows she’s right. He knows it was a terrible idea. But… “I need to do _something_.”

“Remember when we lost Muran? Iolo and I, we felt so guilty, but you… You blamed the First Order. The First Order was the reason he was dead. How is this any different? Your finger might have been on the trigger but it was Kylo Ren who put it there and made you pull it. It’s not your fault.”

“I should have fought harder,” Poe says, hating how his voice cracks. He should have fought harder. He should have been able to stop it.

He was weak. Too weak.

Karé doesn’t say anything, just stays there with him, her arm wrapped around him and her head leaning against his.

“Is this a private cuddle or can anyone join in?”

It’s Iolo. He doesn’t actually wait for an answer, instead simply sits on Poe’s other side and squeezes his knee. “Remember when we used to complain about our skills being wasted on routine flights for the New Republic?” he asks.

“I miss boring,” Karé sighs.

“No, you don’t.”

“Maybe a little.”

Poe’s datapad beeps with an incoming transmission. He looks at it and says, “Leia wants to see me. I… I’ll see you around.” He leaves before either of them can say anything.

He finds Leia in the command center, talking to Jess. When Poe comes in, Leia smiles at Jess and Jess nods and leaves quickly, brushing past Poe as she goes.

“Ah, Poe,” Leia says. “Good.”

“You wanted to see me?” Poe says when Leia fails to illuminate the purpose of this summons.

“I have a task for you.”

Poe frowns. “A task?”

“A request, really.”

“Sounds more like it’s gonna be one of those requests that’s actually an order.”

“Perhaps,” Leia says, the set of her features not doing much to dissuade Poe of his assumption. “I’d like you to find transport to Yavin 4.”

“Yavin 4?”

“You’re going to take a few days, Poe. You’re going to go home. You’re going to visit your father. Rey and Finn will come to meet you on the way back from their scouting trip to bring you back to base, if and only if that’s what you truly want. If not, then…” Leia pauses and then says formally, “The Resistance thanks you for your service.”

Poe gapes at her, aghast. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

“Poe, I should hope you know what I’d like your decision to be. But it needs to be _your_ decision, and you need to actually think about it.”

“I’ve become a burden. I’m a drain on Resistance resources.”

“Now you’re just being dramatic. You know that isn’t true.”

“But I’m… I’m not what I used to be.”

“None of us are,” Leia says. “You’re a help, you always are, and goodness knows we aren’t in a position to be turning down assistance. But you haven’t flown since--”

_Since I shot Rey and Finn out of the sky._

“You aren’t _flying,_ Poe. Something needs to change.”

Poe could say that he isn’t flying because no one’s cleared him to, and if Leia wants him to fly she should say so. He doesn’t say that, though, because he knows if he trusted himself in a cockpit in the middle of a dogfight, Leia would put him there.

But he doesn’t.

“You think this is what’s best,” he says.

“Don’t you?” Leia counters, not unkindly.

Poe can’t look at her. He knows that Leia believes this is in the best interests of everyone involved, the Resistance as well as himself. He knows she is trying to win a war. He knows she doesn’t mean to hurt him and in fact is trying to help him.

But it still feels like he’s being put out to pasture.

“I’ll pack a few things,” he tells her.

-

“What do you mean, you’re leaving?” Rey asks, watching Poe throw a couple of shirts into a bag. Finn’s eyes are wide and he looks as stricken as Rey feels.

Poe tells them what General Organa said to him, in a flat, dull voice, no emotion seeping through. Rey can’t begin to guess what he’s thinking.

But she knows what she’s thinking and she storms out of the room in a rush.

The general is in a small office just off the command center, sitting behind a desk. She doesn’t seem at all surprised to see Rey.

“Did you tell Poe to leave?” Rey says furiously.

General Organa sighs. “That isn’t precisely what I said, no.”

“Why is he packing for Yavin 4 and acting like he doesn’t know when he’ll back? Or even if he will?”

Moving out from behind the desk, General Organa leans against the front of it, half-sitting as she looks at Rey. “It might have been better if I’d spoken to you and Finn first.”

“You think so?”

“My hope is for him to return with you. Did he mention that part?”

Rey half-shrugs. “Maybe.”

“You must know I don’t truly wish for him to leave, not forever.”

“Then why make him go at all?” Rey can’t stop thinking about the defeated slump of Poe’s shoulders, the way he had seemed so sad and lost, like the last shred of purpose he’d been clinging to was being ripped away from him.

“Rey, I understand how difficult this must be for you. I know you only want to help Poe. But eventually we all need to consider what’s best for _Poe,_ and not what is best for ourselves. If he isn’t getting what he needs here, then perhaps here isn’t where he should be.”

“You don’t care about Poe; you just want your precious pilot back!”

Rey regrets it as soon as the words leave her mouth. She doesn’t mean it; she knows it isn’t true. General Organa knows the name of every single person in the Resistance and she hand-picked Poe herself. Rey knows both the affection and the regard Poe and Leia hold for each other because she’s heard the way Poe speaks about her.

“I’m sorry,” Rey says, ashamed.

“No need,” General Organa says wearily. “Force knows I’ve made enough decisions at the expense of individuals.” She gazes off into the distance for an instant before making eye contact again. “Poe’s importance to the Resistance doesn’t need to be stated. Losing him would be a crushing blow. But that’s not… I fought alongside Poe’s parents in the Rebellion. I would owe it to them to watch after their son even if I didn’t care for him as much as I do.” 

General Organa pauses for a beat, making sure that Rey is looking her in the eyes. “But I do care for him, Rey. I hope you believe that. I hope he believes it, too.”

She does believe it. She doesn’t know if Poe does, but Rey believes it. She runs her hand over her hair and chews on her lip uncomfortably. “You think I’m being selfish. Trying to keep him here.”

“No. I think you’re afraid of losing him again. That’s only natural, but… You need to decide what you’re willing to sacrifice for the sake of his well-being.”

Poe might not actually need her. That’s what General Organa is saying. He might not need her. She might not actually be helping, just as she feared - in fact, she might be contributing to his hardships. The thought of it makes Rey feel sick.

Rey mumbles something to Leia, she doesn’t even know what she’s saying, and stumbles out of the room. She has to let Poe go. For him, not for herself. She has to let him go and hope that… Hope that he’ll come back?

No, that’s for herself. She has to hope that he’ll be okay. That’s all.

She has to hope that he’ll be okay.

  



	2. Chapter 2

Kes Dameron is waiting for Poe when he gets off the transport ship in the spaceport. He’s leaning against his speeder bike, the same old thing they’ve had at the ranch for years. He smiles and waves as he catches sight of Poe.

Poe strides over to him. It’s been far too long since Poe’s seen his father’s face outside of holos and comm transmissions, and he… Something spreads through his chest that is half an ache and half desperate relief.

“Poe,” Kes says, and Poe falls into his arms like he’s a little boy again.

“Dad,” he says, and buries his face in his father’s neck.

They don’t make much conversation on the trip home. Kes lets Poe fly the bike and sits behind him, his arms around Poe’s waist. He doesn’t even complain when Poe keeps pushing the speed, edging faster and faster, so the wind whips through his hair. There is freedom, here, in flight, even if he’s barely off the ground. The rush is almost as good as space flight except here he can’t hurt anyone.

The ranch looks virtually unchanged since the last time Poe had been home. There is comfort in that, that some things remain the same, no matter what else has happened. He spends most of the remaining hours of the afternoon wandering the grounds, walking through the trees past the house. He’s sweating, the back of his neck dripping, his hair a wild mess of curls. He had almost forgotten how hot it was here.

He loves it.

Eventually Poe goes back inside to see if his father needs any help with dinner. Kes waves him off so instead of making himself a nuisance, Poe just sits down at the table and watches.

Kes eyes him. “You’re too thin.”

“Unless your cooking’s improved since I’ve been away, I doubt you’re gonna be able to do much to fix that.”

Grinning, Kes says, “I know you’ve eaten worse.”

“So not the point, Dad.”

They keep their conversation over dinner light. No one mentions why Poe is here. 

One night, Poe thinks. One night to forget it all, to pretend that he’s normal, to be the person he used to be.

Of course, he doesn’t actually get one night. He goes to sleep in his old bed in his old room and then he wakes himself up, choking off a scream.

The bed is empty and it’s so jarring that Poe thinks for a horrible few seconds that he’s back there, that he’s – he’s alone – 

But then someone knocks at the door and opens it without waiting for an answer. “Poe?” Kes says, looking worried and scared even in the darkness. “Poe? Are you okay?”

Poe rubs his hands over his face, embarrassed. “Nightmare,” he mumbles. He can feel him, in his head, he - _digging_ \- 

Kes sits heavily on the edge of the bed near Poe’s knees, exhaling. “Stars,” he says.

“Sorry. Sorry, I didn’t mean to--”

“Hell, don’t apologize. I wasn’t… I guess I didn’t realize…” Kes trails off as if he has no idea what he actually wants to say.

There is silence for a few moments.

“It’s bad, Dad,” Poe whispers.

Kes reaches out and sets his hand on Poe’s knee. “I know.”

-

Rey has difficulty focusing on the mission. She speaks to the locals but all the while, in the back of her mind, she’s wondering what Poe’s doing, what Poe’s thinking, what Poe’s feeling. She tries to remember what Luke taught her about clearing her mind, centering herself, so that she can concentrate on what’s important but it isn’t working so well.

She and Finn stay a night on the planet, paying for a cheap room in a cheap hotel just for a change of pace from the _Falcon_. Finn’s sitting in the lone, stiff chair by the window while Rey sits with her legs curled beneath her on the bed, reading. 

She isn’t actually reading. She’s got the holonovel in front of her but she’s been stuck on the same sentence for the past ten minutes. 

Instead she keeps hearing Leia Organa’s words repeat in her head on an endless loop.

_You need to decide what you’re willing to sacrifice for the sake of his well-being._

Since meeting Finn on Jakku, Rey has been overwhelmed by firsts. First time flying out of atmosphere, first time eating a sweet, first person to ask her how she is, first rainfall, first person to come back for her, first kiss…

First love. First loss. First loss that she can remember, anyway.

Rey lived alone on Jakku long enough to learn how to live with the bitter sting of loneliness. There is true pain in not only having no one who cares about you but also in having no one to care for.

When Finn and BB-8 came into her life, that all changed. They brought Poe. Han and Chewie, Luke and Leia, Jess and Karé and so many others. Rey has a family now, a true family.

What she hadn’t realized was that having someone to love means having someone to lose as well.

Sometimes she wonders if all of this is so hard because she doesn’t have a frame of reference for loss. Han’s death, Poe – Rey had never felt anything like that before. But somehow she can’t make herself believe that loss piling upon loss could ever make it hurt less.

Leia had said that Rey was afraid of losing Poe again. She was right.

Rey isn’t sure what would be worse. Losing him because he’s _gone,_ literally gone forever, or losing him because he chooses to leave. If Poe had died, he would have been absent from the galaxy, his light just missing. He would have been stolen from her. But if Poe leaves her, he’ll still be present, somewhere, just not with her. He’ll have chosen to leave her behind, just as her family did. Chosen to be somewhere apart from her.

Poe wouldn’t be leaving because he doesn’t love her and Finn, Rey knows. It wouldn’t really have anything to do with them at all.

But it would mean that they aren’t what he needs and that hurts.

“Do you think Poe will stay on Yavin 4?” Finn asks.

Rey abandons all pretence of reading and pushes the holonovel aside. “I don’t know,” she says. It feels like her answer to everything now.

She doesn’t know.

“I think… Maybe if he stays, maybe… maybe I’ll stay, too.”

“What?”

“Maybe I’ll stay with him,” Finn repeats.

“But… But what about the Resistance? The First Order? You would just--”

“That’s never been my fight, Rey. You know that better than anyone.”

“And you know better than anyone how much they need to be stopped!”

“The Resistance can stop them without me.” Before Rey can begin to argue Finn continues, “I’m not actually that brave.”

“That’s druk,” Rey says. “How many times have you run into danger?”

“For you,” Finn insists. “For you and Poe. It’s easy to be brave when it means saving someone you care about.”

That isn’t true, Rey knows. It’s never easy to be brave. She thinks Finn might be the bravest person she knows.

“You could just leave them all?” Rey says, though she means, _me._ “All of our friends?”

“To help Poe? In a heartbeat. It was never about… I stayed for _you_ , Rey. I know that what the Resistance is doing needs to be done and I’m glad that I’ve been able to help them, but for me it was never… I’m not like you. I’m not like Poe.”

“Stop,” Rey says, “stop.” She feels like tearing her hair out, she can’t -

“Poe is more important to me than any mission could ever be,” Finn says. “He always will be. I will always choose him.”

_What about me?_ Rey wants to say. _What about me? I need you. You would leave me?_

But she doesn’t say that. She says, “What if Poe doesn’t need either of us? What if what he needs is to be away from us?”

“If Poe says that’s what he wants,” Finn says, downcast and sad, “then that’s what I’ll do.”

Rey stands up and walks over to Finn, settling onto his lap. He puts his arms around her and sighs.

“I would choose you, too,” he says. “You know that, don’t you? I would choose you over a mission.”

“I know,” Rey says.

She does. She knows what he meant, before. He wouldn’t actually be choosing Poe over her. He would only be trying to do the same thing Rey has been doing, attempting to make sense out of the mess of their lives. He wants to feel useful. He wants to do for Poe what none of them seem able to do.

He just wants, that’s all.

They all want.

-

Poe takes the speeder bike out and just flies. He isn’t actually going anywhere in particular, though he briefly considers heading to the nearest city to have a drink at the bar before he remembers the inevitability of people recognizing him. That is the last thing he wants right now so instead he simply flies, aimless and free.

When he returns to the ranch his dad is outside, finishing up some repairs. “Get what you needed?” he asks.

“I suppose.”

Kes looks at him and then he says, “When’s the last time you flew a starship, Poe?”

Poe avoids meeting his dad’s eyes, which is probably answer enough.

“Come on inside,” Kes says after a while.

Poe follows him into the house, sits at the table while Kes pours glasses of spice wine. Sitting across from Poe, Kes pushes a glass at him. He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t actually need to.

Poe has never really talked about what happened to him. To Leia and the other Resistance officials, he had explained the bare bones of where he’d been, enough for a skeletal debrief, and focused on what little information he could provide about the workings of the First Order. (He hadn’t asked questions. He had been too focused on pleasing Kylo Ren to ask questions. It was a regrettable wasted opportunity.) To his father and to his friends, he had only said he’d been captured, held prisoner, and that he’d done things he wasn’t proud of until Rey and Finn found him. To Finn and Rey, he had said nothing. They had seen enough and he was too ashamed to spell it out for them.

So when Poe starts talking, when he lets it all spill out, it’s the first time he’s ever said most of it aloud. He starts talking and it’s as if he can’t stop. He tells his father about the despair and the pain and the loneliness. He tells him how Kylo Ren broke him and he tells him how Kylo Ren became Poe’s sole focus – his desire to please him, to do everything he asked, because it was all he had and it made the bad things stop. Poe tells his father what he did and he tells him about the guilt he will carry for the rest of his life. He tells him about Rey and Finn.

While he talks, Poe only darts the occasional glance at his father’s face. Mostly he looks at his dad’s collar, or his hand on his glass, or a spot on the wall just past his shoulder. It’s easier.

When he stops, though, then he looks. And Kes doesn’t… His expression isn’t one of revulsion, or of pity. 

Kes only looks sad.

“When you were born,” he says, “the strongest impulse in my life was the impulse to protect you. It drove everything I did, including the work I did for the Rebellion. But part of being a parent is having to accept that as much as we want to, we can’t keep our children safe from everything. You grew up and I had to let you go. You’ve made me so proud, Poe, and the choices you’ve made… I’ve had to learn to live with being afraid for you. But I wish I could have protected you from this. I would give anything to have been able to protect you from this.”

“I always think,” Poe starts, trying to figure out how to say it, “I always think that, when it goes wrong, at least something good comes out of it. A bad mission, or an injury. I try to focus on the big picture. It… It helps. Even when I lost Beebee-Ate on Jakku, when they took me, that led to Finn, and Rey, and I think it was worth it. I know it was worth it. But this… there wasn’t anything good.” 

“Sometimes there isn’t. I know this doesn’t help, but all of your experiences, even the terrible ones, they all make you who you are. Even this one.”

“I’m not sure I like who I am anymore,” Poe admits. He doesn’t even recognize himself.

Kes touches the back of Poe’s hand for a second as if to ensure he has Poe’s full attention. “I always thought your mother was the strongest person I ever knew. I see a lot of her in you.”

Poe’s voice feels strangled when he speaks. “Weren’t you listening? I let him break me! I let him in my head, I let him… I let him turn me into a monster. I tried but I couldn’t… I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t stop him. I didn’t stop him.”

“Who could have?”

“I should have fought harder. Rey would have. Rey would have fought him. She would have stopped him.”

“We can’t all be Jedi Knights, Poe. We just have to do the best we can with what we are.”

“And when that’s not good enough?”

Poe almost wishes Kes would just agree with him, would just admit that Poe had been weak, that Poe wasn’t the man everyone had always said he was.

He doesn’t, though. “Do you know what I heard when you told me your story? I heard about a man who suffered unimaginably and who still came out the other side. I heard about a man who was ordered to hurt his friends and didn’t, because he was strong enough to fight.”

“I shot Finn!”

“You could have killed him. You could have killed him and then you could have killed Rey but you didn’t. You didn’t. That was you, Poe. That was you making a choice, choosing not to be what he tried to make you. That’s what you should hold onto.”

“I didn’t kill my partners,” Poe says, and it feels surreal, that this is his life, his actual life. “Boy, that’s a note of confidence.”

“Think of it this way. If you had killed them, where would you be now?”

Well, that doesn’t even bear thinking about. Poe’s expression must say as much because Kes doesn’t let the silence drag.

“You’ve been so focused on where you’ve been but you need to concentrate on where you’re going. The First Order takes and takes, just like the Empire before it. At some point you have to make a choice and decide what you’re going to let them take from you. You can stay here, Poe. You can leave it all behind. You can run. You’re certainly owed that choice, and no one would hold it against you. I know I wouldn’t. But don’t ever think it isn’t a choice to let them take from you, to let them win.”

Poe almost physically recoils at the thought but he is afraid that it’s true. He is afraid that he’s let Kylo Ren beat him every day that he doesn’t dare go near his cockpit. He allowed Kylo Ren to make him afraid of himself. He allowed Kylo Ren to steal his _ship_.

Defeated. He feels defeated and he hates it.

“I wish Mom were here,” Poe says, small and soft.

“Your mother would tell you to get off your ass and stop sulking.”

Poe chuckles a little, because he knows it’s true.

More gently Kes adds, “But she would also tell you that it’s okay to be scared, Poe. It’s okay. It’s okay to need things, to need help, to need people to help you.”

“I know. I know that.”

Kes puts his hand on top of Poe’s where it sits on the table. “She would tell you to do whatever will make you happy.”

Poe used to know what that was. He used to know what made him happy. Flying. Finn and Rey. BB-8, his friends. Even the fight against the First Order, doing something worthwhile, trying to make the galaxy into the place his parents had fought for. 

The trouble is that Poe can’t remember what happiness feels like. Everything seems dimmer now, tinged with the memories and the emotions he can’t shake. The darkness keeps spreading out from Poe’s mind and saturating everything.

Kes is frowning at him a little, as if he can sense the direction of Poe’s thoughts. When he speaks, though, he just says, “When it, uh, when it happened, Leia Organa sent me notification. Personally written. Your mother told me she always did, during the Rebellion, and she hasn’t changed.”

Poe is horrified. He imagines his father hearing the beep signifying an incoming communication, pictures his confusion and dawning realization when he sees the sender. Poe pictures his father reading it. He feels sick.

Kes continues, “Months later I received another communication from the Resistance about you, only it was far less official. It was from Rey.”

“Rey?”

Kes nods. “She said… Well, maybe you should read it for yourself.” He gets up and disappears for a moment, returning with his datapad. He sets it in front of Poe.

_Dear Mr. Dameron,_

_My name is Rey. I know you don’t know me but I’m in a relationship with your son. I really hope he’s told you about me, about me and him and Finn, because otherwise this is going to be even more awkward than I’d anticipated._

_Poe’s friend Kar_ _é told me months ago that I should reach out to you but I wasn’t sure you would want to hear from me, and ~~I wasn’t~~ ~~I couldn’t~~ _

_Your son is alive. That’s a truth I’ve believed this whole time but no one else – It was easy to start believing myself that I was being stupid and naïve. I let myself be convinced he was gone when I knew in my heart that he wasn’t. You can be angry at me if you want. I am._

_But we’ve found him. Finn and I, we’re going to bring Poe home. That’s why I’m writing to you; I thought you deserved to know. No one knows I’m writing this; I thought they would disapprove. But I just thought you should know. I’m going to bring him home._

_I hope that sometime soon we can meet in person. Poe always speaks of you with love and I know that anyone who had a part to play in making Poe the man he is must be someone special. I’d really like to get to know you._

_Rey_

Poefinishes reading and feels tears prick at his eyes. He pinches the bridge of his nose and takes deep breaths so he won’t succumb to it. He finishes the rest of his spice wine.

“That girl loves you, Poe,” Kes says. “She and Finn love you and they risked everything to find you. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you’ve been blessed to have people in your life who love you like that. That’s something worth not just surviving for, but living for.”

Poe knows he hasn’t been living. He’s been surviving, and everyone around him has suffered for it. “I’ve been selfish.”

“No, that’s not what I want you to get out of this. I just mean… When things are bad, really bad, it becomes difficult to see that you still have good things in your life, too. They might not outweigh the bad things, but that doesn’t mean they’re not worth it.”

“Stop to smell the flowers?” Poe says with a weak smile.

“Wouldn’t you be sorry if you didn’t?”

Poe thinks of Finn and Rey. He pictures their faces; he imagines their smiles and their laughs. “I would be,” he says.

_There was a man and there was a girl –_

Poe blinks, shakes his head. Finn and Rey love him, and Poe loves them, and he doesn’t know if that’s enough. But it’s something.

-

Yavin 4 is beautiful. 

Poe had often spoken of his homeworld, always with fondness, but Rey could never have imagined just how beautiful it is. The green takes her breath away, like Takodana, but the forests are denser, more jungle-like. 

The heat blasts into her as soon as she lowers the landing ramp. It’s a different heat from Jakku, wetter, humid, and she can feel sweat already prickling at the back of her neck and beneath her arms.

“Kriffing hell, it’s hot,” Finn says in disgust and moves past her.

Poe is waiting to meet them, standing with a man Rey recognizes from holos. Kes Dameron is a handsome man, maybe a few years older than Luke and Leia, with dark skin and graying hair. He’s a little taller than his son but they both have the same warm brown eyes.

Poe looks better than he has in a long time, more relaxed, his posture easy and his hair tousled, his curls more unruly from the humidity in the air. He’s even smiling as he sees them. It makes Rey glad but it also makes fear grow in her belly, the fear that he actually will stay here.

Rey wants Poe to be happy, but she knows that if he decides staying here will be what makes him happy, he will take part of her soul with him.

But now Poe is smiling at her, and Rey runs to him. Poe’s not as tactile as he used to be but Rey can’t stop herself from hugging him, relishing the familiar, solid feel of his body against hers. She kisses his cheek when she draws back and says, “You look good.”

“Is that a knock on how I usually look?”

“Oh, shut it, you know you’re pretty,” Finn says, and hugs Poe, too.

Poe’s father, Kes, is chuckling lightly as he watches them. “If it’s all right with you guys, I’m actually gonna take that as a compliment.”

“I’ve always thought I took after Mom, really,” Poe says, and he sounds so much like _Poe_ that Rey feels close to bursting.

“Yeah, yeah, you always were a mama’s boy,” Kes says, and then addresses Rey and Finn. “I’m Kes, but I guess you knew that already. It’s good to finally meet you; Poe’s told me so much about you.”

“He talks about you, too,” Rey says and extends her hand.

Kes doesn’t take her hand - he hugs her. He holds her close and says softly, “Thank you for believing in my son.”

Rey doesn’t trust herself to speak so she just hugs him back, trying to convey what she feels through her touch.

When Kes releases her, he hugs Finn, too. Rey looks away from them and turns, walks a few steps, just admiring the view. 

“It’s so beautiful here,” she says. “How could you ever leave?” 

Rey stops in place, aghast, her gaze darting to Poe. Oh, stars. How could she have – how could she be so _stupid_?

A muscle twitches in Poe’s jaw but he only says, “Yavin 4, no place more beautiful in the whole galaxy. Not that I’m biased or anything.”

Finn is looking between them nervously but Kes brushes the whole incident away as if nothing happened. 

“You two hungry?” he says. “Let me fix you something.”

“Be warned,” Poe says. “Dad still cooks like he’s heating up field rations.”

“Oh, it’s not that bad,” Kes says as he heads toward the house.

‘It is,’ Poe mouths behind his back, making Rey giggle.

Inside, Kes says, “Why don’t you get settled, maybe rest a little bit after your trip. Come back when you’re ready and I’ll have some food for you. I didn’t prepare the extra room; I assumed you’d both want to stay with Poe. I hope that’s all right?” His expression is slightly teasing.

“Fine,” Finn says, and he’s blushing, like he always does.

“Gee, Dad, it’s almost like you’re trying to get me laid. Makes a change, that’s for sure.”

“Is this normal?” Finn asks. “Cause I’m not really sure what’s normal.”

Kes snorts. “The Damerons, normal? You’re clearly new around here.”

“You said it, not me,” Poe says and nudges Rey and Finn towards the hall with a hand to each of their backs. “My bedroom’s this way; let’s go before he changes his mind and makes us sleep in separate beds.”

“As far as I know you cuddle all night and nothing more,” Kes calls after them.

Rey thinks probably she has an entirely goofy smile on her face and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t know what it’s like to have a father; she thinks she could get used to this.

Poe leads them to the farthest door on the right and makes a sweeping gesture with his arm as he beckons them inside. “My, uh, my castle, if you will. It’s basically how I left it; Dad must be getting sentimental.”

“Such a nerd,” Rey says fondly, gazing around the room. There’s a painting of an X-wing on the wall and the desk is covered with small models of ships. She stops in front of a holo, a little boy and a dark-haired young woman, both smiling. “Your mother?” Rey asks, her fingers hovering just over the projected image.

“My mother,” Poe confirms, sadness in his face.

“She was beautiful.”

“She was.”

Finn gently sets his hand on Poe’s shoulder, trails it over Poe’s back and across to his other shoulder before letting go. He says, “I don’t like to be the one to bring it up, but the bed’s kind of small.”

He’s right, it is. Still. “We’ve had worse,” Rey says.

“I could sleep on the floor,” Poe offers.

“No, you couldn’t.” Rey pauses, uncertain. “Unless you want to?” Sometimes Poe needs to be on his own, she knows. 

And maybe he’s intending on preparing himself to be alone for good, beginning the separation he plans on having.

But he says, “Not really,” and Rey feels lighter just for that.

“We’ll make it work,” she says.

-

Poe slips outside after dinner, while Rey and Finn are preoccupied talking to Kes. He’s glad they’re all getting along so well.

He walks across the grounds and stops in front of a giant tree, one of the younger ones on the property though you wouldn’t know it by looking at it. Poe climbs swiftly up it, the motions as familiar as they were years ago, when he used to do this daily. 

There is a large sturdy branch that juts out a good distance from the ground and Poe settles there, closing his eyes and listening to the leaves rustling, to the sound of birds nearby. He loves the three people in that house but he appreciates the solitude, too.

He is entirely unsurprised, however, when Finn and Rey eventually find him. He hears them before he sees them, and he sees them long before they manage to figure out where he is.

“Poe!” Rey calls up when she finds him. “We’d been wondering where you’d got to.” Without waiting for a response she simply begins nimbly scaling the trunk. It takes her hardly any time at all until she’s sitting beside him, a grin on her face. “Amazing,” she says.

Finn is still waiting at the bottom. “Okay, I know it’s not that easy.”

“You can do it, Finn,” Rey says encouragingly.

“I’m not sure I’ll even fit up there.”

“You’ll fit,” Poe says.

Finn remains doubtful. “If we all fall out and die, I’m blaming you two,” he says, and reluctantly starts climbing.

He takes his time, searching for holds far more than Rey needed to, but he is, as ever, game and determined and athletic. Rey offers him her hand to haul him up the last bit.

“That was easier than I thought it would be,” Finn says, his surprise evident. Still, though, he glances nervously towards the ground, skin blanching a bit.

“Here,” Rey says, taking pity on him, moving out of the way so that Finn can be nearer to Poe and, thus, the sturdy trunk that Poe’s leaning against. She clambers over him like it’s second nature because it is, Poe thinks. She is like him; she loves the sky.

Poe spreads his legs so Finn can crawl between them, bracing his back against Poe’s chest while Poe straddles the branch. “This isn’t just any tree,” he tells them. “It grew from a cutting that was salvaged from the tree in the Jedi Temple on Coruscant.”

“The Jedi Temple?” Rey asks, her eyes wide. “It’s imbued with the Force?”

“Yes,” Poe says, stroking his fingers over the wood. “A gift from Luke Skywalker to my mother. She planted it here when she came home from the war. I’ve always felt like this tree and I grew up together; it used to be as small as I was. Grew quicker, though.” Poe gazes off into the distance, looking past Finn’s head to the trees that surround them. 

“I suppose it will sound stupid, really,” he says, “but I’ve always loved this tree. I know it’s only a tree, but… My mother helped Luke steal it from the Empire; she dressed up as an ISB agent and they infiltrated an Imperial base on Vetine.”

“She must have been brave,” Finn says.

“She was. She… The fighting went on, after Endor, you know. The Empire wouldn’t die so the rebels-- the New Republic-- they kept fighting. And my dad, he requested to end his service. He was tired, and he wanted to come home, and my parents had barely even seen me since I was born. But my mother, she kept going because she thought she had to. It was Luke who finally convinced her that she deserved to live in the galaxy she’d helped to save, that she deserved a future. He gave her this tree, and she and my dad came home.”

“She sounds a lot like you,” Rey says.

Poe lets that wash over him. “I heard that story from Leia. My mom never talked about herself, all the things she did during the war.”

“So, like you,” Finn says, brushing his fingertips over the back of Poe’s hand.

“No,” Rey corrects. “Poe tells lots of stories; he just conveniently skims over all the parts where he’s in them, unless it’s to slyly poke fun at himself.”

Finn nods in agreement, the back of his head brushing against Poe’s face. “Yeah, you’re right. I heard him talk about finding Luke once, and he was all, oh, yeah, Finn was so amazing, and Rey, and Beebee-Ate… Like he wasn’t even there.”

“Should I have dwelled on the part where I got captured? And then the bit where I got my ship shot down and myself stranded in a desert?” Poe asks.

“Whatever, you were amazing,” Finn insists. “I was there for part of it, so I’d know.”

“Mmm, the part where I crashed our ship, yes, very amazing,” Poe can’t help but say. “Must’ve made quite the impression.”

“Clearly you did, as he hasn’t stopped talking about you since,” Rey says with a grin, making Finn pause halfway through the act of smacking Poe, visibly torn now as to who deserves a smack more.

Poe says, “I already knew he had awful taste; I’m the one who had to listen to him going on and on about you for weeks while you were on Ahch-To with Luke.”

“You know,” Finn says, “I’d like to dramatically storm off in a huff right now but then I’d have to climb back down and I actually like it up here.”

“It’s my favorite place. I’ve seen a lot in this galaxy but this is still my favorite place.”

“Your home,” Rey says.

“Yes,” Poe says, and wonders how Rey can understand when she never really had a home of her own, not a home that existed because of the people you loved and the memories you made because of them. “I think it’s because of my mother. I can’t think of this tree without thinking of her.”

Poe isn’t sure if Rey and Finn can even understand that. He doesn’t know how to explain it. He can’t explain it.

Then Finn says, “My jacket.”

Surprised, Poe waits for him to continue.

“Er, your jacket. My jacket? The one I kept. I kept it because of you. Even after, after it was ruined. I still kept it, because it made me think of you. I, uh…” Finn shifts, squirming uncomfortably. “When you were gone I used to take it out and smell it, and it’s so stupid, it probably smelled more like me, or like… like burnt leather, but in my head it was still you.”

Rey’s hand is on Finn’s foot and her expression is tight as she looks at him. Poe realizes that they understand many things a lot better than he gives them credit for.

“Like that,” Poe says quietly. “I have this memory; it’s probably not even a real one because I was so young. But I have this memory of my mom, when she finally came home. I remember how beautiful she was when she smiled at me, and how warm and safe and loved I felt in her arms when she held me.” He closes his eyes. “When I sit here, I think of that.”

They all sit in silence, then, and Poe thinks it feels closer to perfect than anything has for quite some time.

-

It’s not quite dark when they come down from the tree. Rey thinks Poe would have happily stayed longer, well into the night, but he did it for Finn, whose movements climbing down aren’t as assured as Poe’s or as Rey’s. The remaining light helps him.

They walk around outside for a while longer before going back inside the house and into Poe’s room. They don’t see Kes anywhere and Rey supposes he must be attempting to give them some privacy. 

Poe pulls off his dirty shirt, displaying that lack of body consciousness he’d had even before they started sleeping together. Finn has that, too, probably from a lifetime spent in barracks and without privacy. It was harder for Rey, to let them see her.

Rey looks at Poe and thinks she’d better say what’s on her mind before she loses her nerve. 

“I know we’ve been… ignoring it,” she starts. “But we need to talk about why we’re here.”

She glances at Finn, who looks horrified for a moment, and then resolved. He nods at her.

“Or we can not do that,” Poe says, dropping onto his back on the bed and covering his face with his hands.

“We will,” Rey insists, hardening her tone. “Poe, I need you to listen to me. Okay? Just listen.”

Poe nods, though he still won’t look at her.

Of course, Rey doesn’t actually know what she wants to say. She knows that she is afraid Poe will leave her and Finn, that he doesn’t need them. She is afraid that they’re holding him back from finding the peace he needs but she is also afraid that no matter what he does, he won’t find it. She doesn’t know what to say because that’s all about her, it’s always about her, and that’s not…

And then she knows what to say.

“When you were gone,” Rey says, “it was like we were broken without you. Like a piece of our whole was missing, the piece that you fill. I need you to believe that. I need you to believe that you’re important to us, that we need you to be whole.”

Poe’s hands are still over his face, and where the light peeks through from between his fingers he’s only staring up at the ceiling, not towards Rey or Finn. It’s frustrating.

Rey glances at Finn again, for a sight of his reassuring face. “I won’t say I’m not afraid of what will happen, but that isn’t what’s important. At first I didn’t even want you to come here but I realize that was wrong. I think you needed to come here, and I think maybe we did, too. We all need to move on. We’ve been stuck in a holding pattern for too long.” She takes a breath to steel herself. 

“I’m not… I’m telling you this because I’m afraid you might do something stupid, like leave because you think it’s best for us. Don’t stay for us, but don’t leave because of us, either. Whatever decision you make needs to be for you, Poe.”

When Poe continues to just lie there, Rey takes a step forward. “Look at me at least, will you?”

He finally uncovers his face, tilting it towards her, and Rey hovers there, indecisively. Poe almost seems as though he’s about to cry, his eyes red-rimmed.

“No, Poe, I…” Rey tries, as Finn moves to her side. She wasn’t trying to… Damn it.

Poe holds his hand out to them so Rey crawls into bed beside him, tucks herself in against his chest. Finn gets in on Poe’s other side, presses against his back. They barely fit, Finn pushed up against the wall, but somehow it feels just right.

“We want you to be happy, Poe,” Rey whispers. “That’s all. Whatever that means.”

When Poe speaks he sounds faintly hoarse. “I’m sorry I’ve been so hard to be with. I love you, both of you. You don’t know how much.”

“We do, Poe,” Finn says. “We do.”

It seems like Poe wants to say something else but instead he moves, he rolls until he’s thrown one leg over Rey’s hips, his forearms pressing into the mattress on either side of her. Rey turns onto her back and watches him, waiting to see what he’ll do.

Poe kisses her slowly, not with hesitation, exactly, but more… tenderness, with tenderness. Rey cups the back of his head, her fingers twining in his hair. When he pulls back he takes Finn’s hand, lacing their fingers together, and he kisses Finn’s knuckles as the two of them maintain eye contact. The heat in Poe’s gaze as he watches Finn makes a heady curl of desire flare low in Rey’s belly. When he moves down her body all Rey can think is, _yes, please, yes, oh, stars, Poe._

Rey can’t even remember the last time Poe touched them purely because he wanted to. Not because he needed to, but because he wanted to. Now he touches them with want and desire and love.

She hopes this isn’t Poe saying goodbye.

-

Poe wakes up in a dark room, feeling surrounded, and he has to count in his head until it sinks in that it’s not _that_ dark room, it’s his bedroom, and he’s not surrounded, it’s just Finn and Rey. He’s in bed, with the people who love him. 

Rey’s arm is outstretched over Poe’s chest as she lies back to back with Finn. Poe rests there a moment longer and then he gets up, carefully dislodging himself from Rey’s grip. She mutters a bit in her sleep but never fully wakes.

He goes outside and walks in the moonlight. Although it’s night, the air is still humid and sticky and Poe is glad he didn’t do more than pull on a sleeveless shirt and his underwear. He’s not likely to run into anyone, anyway, and even if he is, there’s no one here who would be bothered by his state of dress. Or lack of it.

He sits down in the dirt by the house, in the spot where his mother’s old A-wing used to be. Kes sold it long ago but Poe remembers it sitting here for so much of his childhood. He remembers his mother taking him up in it, his first taste of flight, and he remembers the way she had stroked the ship’s nose, almost for comfort.

Not for the first time since he’s been back, Poe misses his mother with an intense, aching longing. He thinks it’s probably selfish to feel so robbed by her loss, by losing her so young, when he’s dating two people who never knew their parents at all, but it doesn’t change the fact that he _misses_ her. Maybe he should be ashamed to want so desperately to be held by his mother, given that he’s a grown man, but he does.

Oh, he does.

Poe has spent his whole life wanting to be like his parents. He wanted to be a pilot like his mother, his courageous, fierce mother. He wanted to live up to their legacies, and when the First Order began to bare its teeth, he wanted to protect the galaxy they had sacrificed so much to save.

He knows what his mother would do, if she were him. He wants to do that, too.

He wants to be like her.

He wants her to be proud of him.

It would be easier to leave the Resistance, he thinks. It would be easier to run, to hide from his problems. He would be miserable, obviously, miserable and alone, and maybe that would be what he deserves.

But Poe has never done what’s easy.

He doesn’t belong here anymore. It’s been like a sweet holiday, hiding out on Yavin 4 with his father, sleeping in his old bed, trying to forget what he’s done and what he’s running from. But this isn’t truly his home, not anymore.

There is an entire galaxy he could hide in, that much is true. He could hole up somewhere, start a new life.

But no matter where he goes, he will take his past with him. He can’t hide from himself. And the First Order… the First Order will still be out there. How could he look his father in the face, knowing what he fought for, while Poe himself lets evil like Kylo Ren go unchecked? 

Poe did terrible things for Kylo Ren. He remembers them all. He knows that he wasn’t in his right mind but that doesn’t change the fact that it was him who did them, that it was his hands. Doesn’t he owe it to the innocent lives he took to keep fighting the fight that they died for? 

Poe doesn’t need an escape. He needs redemption.

Once Kylo Ren had called him the best pilot in the Resistance and once Kylo Ren had called him the best pilot in the First Order. 

Poe can’t change the fact that the second statement was true, for a time. What he can do is become the man he used to be, the man Leia’s gaze had fallen on because of a reckless stunt flying headlong into a First Order armada, the man she’d sent on the most dangerous missions she had. 

He is the best pilot in the galaxy. Time to do some good with that again.

When the war is done, maybe he can find somewhere to settle. Maybe he can build a home, with Finn and Rey, like his parents did. Maybe even on Yavin 4. Maybe by then he’ll have found some sense of atonement.

But not yet. Not now.

There is work to do. Poe can’t run from it. If he does, then he’ll have let Kylo Ren steal what makes him _Poe._

_My name is Poe,_ he thinks. _My name is Poe._

Kylo Ren has taken enough. He won’t take this. Poe won’t let him.

There is a part of Poe that is still afraid of the dark, that is afraid of being alone. There is a part of him that is afraid of what he’s capable of. He is afraid of losing control, of losing himself.

Poe has demons, but they are his demons, and he needs to learn to live with them.

He thinks he can.

He closes his eyes and pictures his mother standing in a shaft of sunlight, beside her ship.

He thinks he can.

The sky is just barely beginning to lighten, the time before dawn. Poe stands up and stretches his limbs, cramped from sitting, and then he returns to his room. He knows he won’t be able to get any more sleep and he doesn’t want to wake Rey and Finn, so he slumps down onto the floor beside the bed and watches them.

No one was ever more beautiful, he thinks, looking at their heads on the pillow. Poe would wonder why they let him be a part of their whole, why they stayed after everything, but he knows it’s because they love him. It doesn’t matter why, only that they do.

They are one more thing Kylo Ren can’t take from him.

Poe goes into the kitchen and sits there while the sun rises. Eventually his father comes in, smiles when he sees him there.

“Would’ve thought you’d be later,” Kes says, starting a pot of caf. “Spend the morning with your friends.” His tone is warm when he says ‘friends’. ‘Friends’ isn’t the word he means.

“Had a lot to think about.”

Kes nods. 

“Finn and Rey are going to leave in a few hours. I… I’m going to go with them.”

Pausing in his movements, Kes looks to Poe. For a few moments he only stands there, looking, but then he crosses the room and pulls Poe into a hug. “I’m so proud of you, Poe. You know that, don’t you? Your mother would be, too.”

Poe doesn’t have the words so he just stays there in his father’s embrace.

He knows he’s made the right choice.

When Rey and Finn come stumbling in, after Kes has started breakfast, Rey yawning and Finn rubbing the back of his neck, Poe feels something light and bright settle in his chest.

He knows this is right.

-

Rey keeps sneaking glances at Poe all through breakfast.

He looks good. Stars, he looks good. He’s sitting there with his shoulders unbowed and his back straight, laughing with his father. That haunted sadness never quite leaves his eyes, but Rey thinks that’s just part of him, now. 

But he looks good. He almost looks happy. At least, he’s making a good show of it.

She thinks he must know what he is going to do.

Rey is afraid to ask.

_You need to decide what you’re willing to sacrifice for the sake of his well-being._

_Everything,_ Rey thinks, as she looks at Poe. _Everything. I’ll sacrifice everything to keep you safe. To keep that smile on your face._

_Even myself._

Rey takes Finn’s hand beneath the table and clutches it. She thinks they’re both finally prepared to let Poe go, if that’s what is necessary.

They all help Kes clear the table after they’ve finished, though he waves off any further attempts of cleaning assistance. 

“You’re still my guests, go on, get out of here,” he says, shooing them away.

“We should be leaving soon, anyway,” Poe says, startling them all. “I thought we could make an early start back to base. Unless Finn wants a few more hours in the Yavin 4 heat.”

Finn is gaping at him, seemingly unable even to register that Poe is teasing him. “We?” he says. “You mean, you… you…”

Rey launches herself at Poe, flinging her arms around his neck and kissing him deeply. Poe doesn’t even hesitate, he sweeps her up in his arms and kisses her back, kisses her with all he has. 

He’s breathing fast and heavy when they separate, his gaze slightly hooded. “Not that I’m complaining, you understand, but my dad is right there.”

“Not anymore he’s not,” Finn says.

Kes indeed has made his exit, leaving the three of them alone together. Rey feels a surge of gratitude and of… not love, exactly, but fondness. She thinks she could grow to care a great deal for Kes Dameron.

“You want to come back with us,” Rey says to Poe, almost afraid to let go of him, like he’ll slip away if she isn’t careful.

“This doesn’t mean I’m fixed.”

“You aren’t broken, Poe. Just a little lost.”

Poe’s smile is soft and slight as he touches her cheek. With more sass than gravity, he says, “And you’re going to find me?” 

“Something like that,” she says, and smiles back.

Rey lets her hands fall away from Poe so that Finn can hold him just as tightly as she had. She watches them kiss and feels a sense of relief.

Nothing is the same as it was and it never will be again, but for the first time in a long while she has genuine hope for the future. Hope that might be able to replace some of the anger she has been clinging to.

She still can’t quite see the future where they are all happy but she can see the path that leads there.

-

The tarmac is nearly empty when Rey brings the _Falcon_ in to land, only a couple of astromechs wheeling around with a few bundled up members of the ground crew. Rey darts a smile at Poe, beside her in the copilot’s chair, just as she has continually done the entire flight. The sight of her makes Poe’s insides feel warm, like he’s managed to do something right for a change.

He thinks that this is how he has to move forward. One move at a time, one choice at a time. The choice to return to the Resistance. The choice to help Rey fly the _Falcon._ A series of steps taking him in the right direction, steady and manageable, with room to make mistakes and recover from them.

The three of them walk down the landing ramp, all starting to shiver in unison. “You missing Yavin 4 now, Finn?” Poe asks.

“Maybe just a little,” he admits.

Poe walks with Rey on one side and Finn on the other, moving towards the small figure in an over-large coat that has come out to greet them. He quashes a swell of nervousness.

“Welcome back, Commander Dameron,” Leia says, her eyes warm.

Poe clasps her hand. “Thank you, General. I’m… I’m glad to be here,” he says, hoping she understands.

“Your timing is fortuitous,” she says. “Captains Kun and Arana are leaving in a few hours to do recon. I know you’ve only just arrived but they could use another hand, if you’re up to it.”

Poe can feel Rey and Finn’s gazes burning into him. He waits for the anxiety to set in, the trepidation, but it never does, not like it used to. He is still afraid of what he’s capable of but he knows that he can’t allow that to cripple him any longer. This is why he came back.

_My name is Poe,_ he thinks. _My name is Commander Poe Dameron and I am the best pilot in the galaxy._

He doesn’t belong to Kylo Ren. He belongs to himself.

He is ready.

“I’ll get my flightsuit on and prepare Black One,” Poe tells Leia.

Leia gifts him with one of her genuine smiles. “Good.”

The general has only barely turned to leave when Poe finds himself with an armful of Rey and Finn. “Hey there,” he says, laughing. “It’s like you’re happy to be getting rid of me so soon or something.”

“Beebee-Ate will be glad to have his partner back,” Rey says, beaming.

As if to prove her words true, a familiar beeping sounds from nearby and BB-8 comes racing down the tarmac towards them.

Poe kneels down and says, “Hey, buddy. You up for a trip?”

BB-8 chirps excitedly and Poe stands up again, nodding his head in a ‘follow me’ gesture. 

The next couple of hours are filled with preparation. Poe barely has time to process what he’s doing which is likely a good thing, he knows. He has no time for the appearance of nerves, no time to consider what happened the last time he flew a starfighter, or what happened the times before that. 

“May the Force be with you,” Finn says when he goes, and Rey kisses his cheek.

“Send word to my dad that we made it back safe, all right?” Poe requests, and then he’s off.

Poe isn’t sure what he thought would happen when he climbed up that ladder and sat in his cockpit again. Something momentous, maybe, some sort of… He doesn’t know. In truth it just feels like reflex - he gets settled, he goes through the familiar motions of checking his systems and preparing for take-off. BB-8 is burbling happily, communicating with Black One like she’s an old friend the droid has missed.

It feels routine. It feels _normal._

Poe has never been so grateful for normal in his entire life.

“Ready, Beebee-Ate?” Poe asks.

The droid gives him the affirmative.

When Poe soars into the air, he feels… Stars, he feels right. He can’t stop himself from executing a double barrel roll in atmosphere, hearing Karé laugh over comms.

“Still a show-off, Dameron,” Iolo says.

Poe grins to himself and settles into flight, pulling up the flightpath on his console.

“This is Black Leader, preparing for the jump to hyperspace. All fighters report,” Poe says, and it feels like coming home.

**_End_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For more on Poe’s canonically awesome parents, please see Shattered Empire and Before the Awakening. \o/ 
> 
> Thank you for reading! I hadn't planned on writing this fic but as time passed I realized I still had a lot of feels for the characters in this 'verse, and while I was nervous about tacking on another story to something I'd been so happy with, I felt like I needed to get this out. And as it turns out, writing this was a bit of a cathartic experience for me as it helped me channel some of the stress and negative emotions I've been having in my own life. So thanks for bearing with me, and I hope you liked the fic. :) Follow me on Tumblr if you like, serceleste.


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